Austin has a problem. I like to call it "noise pollution". The problem is that he talks non-stop. He doesn't talk to you, he talks at you. He talks more than any woman I know.
Now being sort of a quiet person myself, this is a problem. It's especially a problem if I'm trying to take a nap, like I was this afternoon.
Very rarely do I try to take a nap in the middle of the day. I'm one of those people who can't just take a short nap. I need about 3 hours or I'm groggy and cranky. Well today I decided the risk was worth it. That was a big mistake. Nobody else wanted to listen to Austin while I slept so I thought that somehow he might just settle down and take a nap with me. (What was I thinking?)
Here is only part of the conversation that followed (the only parts I can remember anyway):
Austin, looking at a pencil on Hal's night stand: "Mom, where did dad get this fancy pencil? I like that pencil. That's not fair that he gets a pencil like that. How can I get one? That's a really cool pencil. How come dad got one and I didn't?"
Me: "What does the pencil look like?"
Austin, pulling out the pencil: "It looks like this. It has ponies all over it. That's not fair. I want a pencil like that."
Me, trying to get him to be quiet so I can sleep: "You can have it if you'll be quiet and go to sleep with me."
Austin: "I don't want it, I don't like ponies."
Austin, now looking at a magazine I had on the bed: "Hey, look at this cake. Mom, look at this cake. Don't you think this cake looks so, so yummy? Do you think we should make a cake like that? Maybe we should make a cake like that this summer."
Me, looking at the cake with one eye: "That does look yummy. Maybe we can make one sometime."
Austin: "Well, it looks like it would take a lot of 'gredients. I don't think we want to because we don't want to use lots of 'gredients." (I don't know where that came from. I don't go around worrying about 'gredients.)
Austin, holding up these little craft things you build with that are made out of cornstarch and look like colored packing peanuts: "Mom, can I play with these in the tub?"
Me, sounding crankier because I'm tired: "Yes. Sure, whatever."
Me again, after thinking about it: "Oh. No you can't put them in the tub. They will disintegrate."
Austin: "Disintegrate, what does that mean?"
Me: "They will get all icky and gummy."
Austin, after thinking a minute: "Icky and gummy?" (he starts to giggle) "Do you mean icky and gummy like your hair is icky and gummy after your bad perm?"
Me: "That's exactly what I mean."
Austin: "My feet are hot. My socks are making my feet hot. I want to take off my socks. My feet are hot. Now if I touch my feet, my hands will be hot. I had some dreams last night (he goes on to describe the dreams but I can't really remember anything he said except for one with a girl with a big head and something black on her nose)...
Austin then started to quote every episode of the Harry Potter puppet pals. (A quick example is "I'm Harry Potter, school is for losers. I'm totally awesome...." said in a sing-song voice.)
I drifted off to sleep somewhere in there and woke up again about 15 minutes later when Austin came running up the stairs saying one of his sisters was mad at him. (His socks were still in the bed with me.) I told him to be quiet and either lay down with me or go somewhere else and just be quiet. I then drifted back off to sleep. Hal came home about 15 minutes later (around 4:15) and woke me up again. I asked him where Austin was, since it was quiet. He was actually on the floor asleep. Hal had to go back to the church for a Court of Honor at 4:30 so he said he'd let me sleep a little longer.
As soon as Hal left the room Austin popped up and started talking again. I now have a headache. I probably would have been better off if I would have just stayed awake.
I got up and started fixing dinner so it would be done when Hal got home.
Don't you wish you lived at our house? If you are lonely, please call us up and borrow Austin for a day. We'd be happy to help.