How I Learned All About the Birds and the Bees

I've been waiting to get permission from my friend before I post this one, but since I'm almost out of embarrassing stories and this one is such a good one, I thought I'd post it with my friend's name omitted to protect the innocent (or in this case, maybe the not so innocent).

One night in 9th (or maybe it was 10th) grade, I spent the night at my friend's house. It must have been summer because it was warm enough for us to sleep out on the front lawn.

As we were lying there outside, a car pulled up quietly a little ways away and out came "Manuel" (a boy who had moved in from California, so that made him very interesting) and "Chang" (a boy who was a year older than us, who also had a brother two years younger with the same name, I'm not really sure why).

Anyway, I didn't really know either one of them and I really can't remember or don't even know for sure how they knew we would be out there. Maybe my friend had told them, though if I remember correctly, I don't think she really knew either one of them either. This fact is kind of relevant to the story. You'll soon see why.

So the boys came and started talking to us and we were all on our stomachs on the lawn, at right angles with each other (does that make sense?) with a pillow in the middle of us, where all our heads were.

The next thing I knew, my friend and Manuel started kissing each other. (She told me later that they had started by holding hands under the pillow while we were all talking. She said that she kept thinking, "Boy, I really hope that isn't Holly's hand I'm holding.")

Well, that would be all fine and dandy except it left me with Chang and he looked at me pretty expectantly. I was not about to start making out with someone I didn't know so I started talking about anything I could think about. Mostly I remember talking about the stars and pretending to see different constellations. I think I knew just enough to sound believable.

This would be a nice little story and all except for the fact that after about a half hour a window in my friend's house opened, the one right by where we were, and I heard her mom say, "(Friend's name), what are you doing out there?" and of course, my friend answered, "Nothing mom."

Well her mom must have been watching for a while because she then said, "What are you doing rolling around on the ground over there?"

(Now here is my very favorite part. Are you ready for it?)

My friend paused for just a second and then started saying, "Oooh, my stomach hurts. I don't feel so well." and kept right on rolling around on the ground a little bit for effect. (Personally I think she was a genius to have come up with that so quickly. I don't know what I would have done.)

Her mom asked again, "What's going on out there?" and my friend said, "Ooooh, I have a stomach ache, I feel sick!" again rolling around a little more.

Well, her mom's eyes must have adjusted to the light by then because she said something to the effect that she could see more people out there than there were supposed to be and they'd better get out of there pretty darn fast. They didn't waste any time running back to the car and heading out.

My friend's mom then called her into the house. She didn't say anything to me so I just stayed where I was.

I waited and I waited and I waited some more. I'm not sure how long I was out there by myself but I was getting a little nervous because it was a pretty deserted road and I didn't want to have any more uninvited guests.

Finally after what was probably about a half hour to forty five minutes later, I walked quietly into the house to see what was going on.

My friend's mom said she was glad I had decided to come in. I wasn't feeling too glad just then. She then proceeded to tell me all about the birds and the bees and how boys don't think like girls do, etc., etc. It was more than I really wanted to talk about with my friend's mom. I hadn't had even close to a conversation like this with my own mom. (I'm still not sure which would be worse since I never did have this conversation with my mom.)

Anyway, I got out of there as soon as I could the next morning and it was years before I could act normally in front of my friend's mom. My friend also told me later that when she told her mom who was outside, her mom assumed I was kissing Chang and she asked, "Is Holly desperate?" (She must have known who he was.)

I think the most fascinating detail of this whole episode is the fact that my friend and Manuel never spoke a word to each other after that day. She also told me that this story was used in Family Home Evening for many years as an object lesson for her younger brothers.

It's experiences like this that makes me terrified for my own kids and the stupid things that can happen when you are minding your own business and then just make a dumb choice.

But it is kind of a funny story. I can't really talk about it without laughing uncontrollably. My friend doesn't really appreciate that fact.