Lexi Learns to Swear

(In this post, I have to call her Lexi, because that's the name we called her then, but it's really Ally that I'm talking about.)

When Lexi was 4 she "accidentally" said a couple of disturbing things.

One day we were standing outside our house and Hal's business partner (at the time) came by. He stayed (as he usually does) for quite a long time. When he (finally) left, Lexi said, "Goodbye B-tch." (Instead of Butch, which is his name.)

I stood there for a minute trying to decide if she really said what I thought she said.

As if she could read my mind, she said it again, "Goodbye B-tch."

Ok, I thought, there's no way she could know what that word means. It was an accident.

Then she looked at me and giggled and said, "Oops, I said B-tch."

So, of course, we had to have the little discussion about how that isn't nice word, etc., etc. I really have no idea where she had heard the word.

So, problem solved. Or so I thought.

A month or so later, which was a couple of weeks before she started school, we went to Bear Lake. After we'd been there all day, I took her up to the bathroom to change, etc.

When she was in the bathroom and started changing her shirt she said, "Oh, I wanted to bring the other sh--."

Again, I froze and my thoughts swirled, "Does she know that word? Was it an accident?" And so on.

Well, she answered my questions pretty quickly. She giggled and said, "Oh, I said sh--."

I had heard somewhere that you should explain what certain naughty words mean so kids would just know and then the novelty would wear off from using them or whatever. I would never suggest doing this for the reason you will see at the end of this post, but I was young(er) and dumb(er), and it sounded like a good idea at the time.

I calmly asked her if she knew what the word meant. She said no, so I calmly explained that it's what some naughty people call it when they use the bathroom. (Well, what would YOU say?)

She seemed to take the whole conversation in stride, so I hoped that was good enough. Then I remembered that she was going to start Kindergarten soon so I was really worried that she might start showing off her new vocabulary and that it would not go over well.

I said to her, "Now Lexi, I don't ever want you to use this word again, do you understand? That is a word that you will get in trouble for if you use it at school. If you use that word, you will have to go to the Principal's office and I don't think you will want to do that."

She looked at me innocently and said, "So does that mean I shouldn't do this:" and then she put up her middle finger at me and said "Sh--."

I would have collapsed to the floor if it wasn't a dirty public restroom.

We talked again about naughty words and what it meant and why you shouldn't do things like that. Finally the conversation wrapped up and we joined Hal and Morgan outside to go home.

"You guys were gone a long time." Hal said.

"We'll talk about it later." I replied.

So we all got into the car and were going merrily on our way. We got our usual raspberry shakes and chocolate malts. It looked like it was going to be a pleasant trip home, which I really needed at that point.

All of a sudden, out of the blue, Lexi said, "I know what sh-- means."

Hal slammed on the breaks and started sputtering, "Where did you hear a word like that?"

She answered very calmly, "Mom told me."

Kids Say the Darndest Things

When I was expecting Ally, Morgan was two and a half. Somehow she had come up with the idea that anyone with a big stomach was going to have a baby. (Because really, how do you explain that to a two year old?)

One day I went to my work to pick up a check and I brought her with me. I was standing there talking to a group of older men. We were all standing in a circle and Morgan suddenly broke away from me and poked them each in turn saying "You have a baby in your tummy and you have a baby in your tummy and you have a baby in your tummy." (I think she skipped the two skinny ones.)

I was so embarrassed! I mumbled some sort of quick apology and then we left.

A few weeks later, my Aunt Shirley was visiting from Albuquerque. She and my Uncle Deloy and my grandma were all at my parents' house sitting on the couch. We'd been visiting for quite a while when Morgan again broke away and said "You have a baby in your tummy and you have a baby in your tummy." When she got to Aunt Shirley, she hesitated. Her eyes got really big and she pointed at Aunt Shirley's chest, which is quite large. Finally she said "You've got TWO babies in your tummy!"

It's a good thing Aunt Shirley has a good sense of humor!

Ally and the Dental Assistant

The first time I took Ally to her new dentist, Dr. Archibald, things seemed to be going well. She was three or four by then and she didn't act scared like I thought she would. She even sat very still, which was more than I can say for the time we took her to Uncle Dar. She wouldn't even open her mouth for him.

I was feeling so proud of her until I heard Dr. Archibald's assistant, Bari, walk in and Ally said, "Hello Chubby, nice to meet you."

Now Bari is kind of a big woman, so I was mortified. I walked into the room and said, "I'm sorry, she watches Bugs Bunny and that's something they said on one of the cartoons." Which really was true.

And Bari replied, "I didn't even hear what she said."

So we both smiled and I breathed a sigh of relief and left the room. All was well.

That is, until I heard Ally, in the other room, say with a very clear little voice, "I SAID, Hello Chubby, nice to meet you!"

I think they charged me extra for that visit.

The Day Mr. Torrey was Disappointed in Me

Mr. Torrey was Ally's 5th grade teacher. He was an excellent teacher, probably the best teacher she has ever had. He somehow "got" her personality and even enjoyed her strange little sense of humor. (We won't discuss here where it might have come from.)

Mr. Torrey was an inspirational and very motivating kind of teacher. He was a former personal trainer, and even had Ally interested in doing actual physical activity, which so far no one else has ever been able to do. Yes, Ally had seemed to be making great strides in 5th grade.

And then one day she came home and said "Mr. Torrey said you weren't a good parent." (I later found out those weren't his exact words, but I'm sure that's what he was thinking.)

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"He asked us what our favorite song was today and I said one of mine was Cherry Pie by Warrant. He said that that song isn't appropriate for a 5th grader to listen to."

"Oh great!" I thought, I knew those 80s songs were going to get me in trouble sooner or later. Then I thought about it for a minute.

"Is that really your favorite song?" I asked her?

"Not really," she said, "I just couldn't think of anything else to say."


(Later I remembered she had said it was ONE of her favorite songs so I asked her what else she said was a favorite song. She couldn't remember. I can only imagine what else she said. Def Leppard? George Michael? Prince?)

Heaven help us!

Funny High School Embarrassing Moment

Ok, I was reading a blog from a girl I knew in high school and she sounds just like me. An embarrassing story at least once a week. That's my kind of girl. So, Kimi, this one's for you:

The Underwear Incident:

When I was in 9th grade, my friend, Serena Collins and I discovered something we didn't even know existed: Boys from another school who were at least as cute, if not cuter, than boys who went to our school. That was the year we discovered the boys from Logan Jr. High.

One day, Serena and I were hanging out at the mall. This particular day, I needed underwear. Oh, not just any underwear, I needed to buy CUTE underwear from a store called Anita. (It seems like the little bag could have been yellow, but I have tried to block most of this experience from memory.) Now, back to my underwear. Among other pairs, I distinctly remember buying a white pair with little red hearts all over them, a purple pair with little black dots, a bright midnight blue pair, a pink pair......Well, anyway, you get the idea. (And this was back in the day when I used to try to wear pink, don't give me any attitude about it, for the record I never really did feel good wearing any kind of pink. The pink underwear was always the first to go.) I was feeling very grown up because this was the first time I had bought my own underwear, with my own money, hence picking out some very "exciting" pairs. Lots and lots of them. It probably cost me over twenty dollars, which was a lot of underwear back then.

So, back to my story, Serena and I were busy "cruising" around the mall. It was a Saturday, we were in front of Jennifer Geddes' family's clothing store. We knew the boys were behind us, so we were very self conscious about how we were walking. I'm trying to remember who exactly was there, though maybe I've blocked that part too, to save myself. There was probably Steve Mihas, Derek Matlock, maybe Byron Allen, Ty Eliason, Monty Christensen and/or Greg Watts, I'll have to check with Serena and see if she remembers.

Oh, the next thing that happened is something so dumb, I'm still a little fuzzy on HOW it happened. We were walking and all of a sudden, we heard laughter. Loud laughter, coming from those boys. I'm not sure why we finally turned around, maybe someone said something to us, but we did. And there we saw it. Underwear. Lots and lots of underwear. In a trail across the floor of the mall, just like a colorful trail of breadcrumbs. We were horrified! We ducked into the nearest store, which, as I said before, belonged to Jennifer Geddes. (I almost think Greg was working that day, but maybe it was Jennifer. Again, I'll have to verify with Serena.) We sat there, stunned for a second and then we did the only thing we could do under the circumstances. We giggled. We giggled uncontrollably for a while. And then it dawned on us. There was still underwear littering the floor of the mall. Colorful underwear that probably sent the wrong message to those boys. "I can't do it." I cried, "You go and get it." And so, being the best friend that she was, after a little arguing about why I should go get my own underwear, she went. She ran out there and snatched up that underwear and promptly threw it all at me in that store. Funny thing, I do remember briefly being worried that that store might think that I had shoplifted that underwear from their store since I was putting it in my bag in the store. I guess I could have produced my receipt if they gave me any trouble. The fact that this store sold mainly jeans didn't cross my mind. I just didn't want to be known as a shoplifter because I wasn't!

So, that's the story. If you ever hear Serena mention underwear and then laugh, you'll know what she's talking about. (And yes, I guess I must have been holding the bag from the side instead of the top. I finally figured that out years later. More proof that I need to pay attention to what I am doing!) Whew, that was a tough one, but necessary to record for posterity. :-)

A Random Story About Morgan

When Morgan was in first grade life was good. She was such a sweet, kind, little girl. She actually even cleaned her room once in a while. One day, in the spring, Morgan's room started to smell. I mean really stink. Bad. I searched and searched all over her room. I looked under her bed for old food or something. Nothing. Finally I looked in the cute, white wicker doll carriage that was holding all her cute little dolls and stuffed animals. Inside the doll carriage was an egg. A real egg. And it was oozing "stuff" from it. I quickly emptied out the carriage and took it outside, which was no small feat, because it was practically life-sized. I tried to dump the egg out on the side of our yard, just over the property line to the empty lot that stood next door. The egg had oozed onto the carriage and was stuck to it. I didn't dare pull it off because I didn't want to be too close to the smell that I knew would be coming out of that egg. I finally got mad enough and chucked the whole carriage upside down onto the vacant lot. From the smell, I knew I had been successful. I left everything where it was for probably a whole day. When I went back to get the carriage, I was mad because there was still egg gunk stuck all over the wicker. I just couldn't bring that carriage back into the house. It was ruined for me. I ended up giving it to my friend, Melinda, who was happy to have such a cute decoration for free.

When I asked Morgan what the deal was, she told me that she was trying to hatch a baby chick. Just like that. Like, duh, and why did you ruin it, mom?

Ok, Here Goes: A Random Story

Well, let's just jump into this:

Why I need to lock the car while I am driving

After my shoulder surgery, I was on pain meds for a week or so. Morgan and Ally were taking piano lessons from Haley Johnson Judd and they were relatively expensive. Hal was supposed to drop them off at piano and my mom said she would pick them up. (For some reason I can only remember Morgan going that day. Not quite sure. Must be the drugs.)

Anyway, when it was almost time for Hal to take Morgan I called him to make sure he remembered. He was actually somewhere pretty far away (maybe Brigham City?). Since I didn't want Morgan to miss her lesson, I decided to try and drive her myself. I hadn't taken any pain meds since 5:30 a.m. and it was around 9:00 a.m., so, in my drug induced state, I was pretty sure I could take her myself.

We got in the car, and things seemed to be fine until we made it to 3200 South. They were doing road construction so we had to stop. Then the guy came over to see which way I was going. That would have been fine, except the window on the Blazer was broken so I couldn't roll it down. I had to open the door to talk to him. That was embarrassing enough, but when I leaned out the door to tell him, I leaned a little too far and had a hard time sitting back up. I'm pretty sure he must have thought I was drunk!

Anyway, we went on our way and all was well, or so I thought, until it came time to turn left onto Haley's street. I stopped and opened my door. And then I sat there waiting. Morgan asked, "What are you doing, Mom?" I answered, "Turning left." Finally she suggested I shut the door and turn on the blinker. (I don't really think there were any other cars on the road at the time that I needed to wait for so I could turn.)

Well, we finally made it the rest of the way to Haley's house without incident. I also remember wondering if I was even capable of making it home. Since my mom was coming to pick Morgan up and take her home I knew I might as well just do my best and get home as soon as possible. I tried to concentrate very hard and, as far as I know, I did better on the way home. Whew! I decided then and there, no more pain meds for me!

That would be the end of my story except for the fact that a week later I was driving to Openshaw's house and, once again, when it came time to turn left, I opened my door and just sat there patiently waiting. I would probably be there still if Morgan hadn't been with me again, gently reminding me "Mom, shut the door and turn on the blinker!"

So kids, when people tell you not to do drugs, now you know why!